Challenge Comfort

Life can be full of contradictions. We strive to do what is better, but in our best efforts we sometimes steer ourselves in the wrong direction making the perfect concoction for defeat. We desire to help another in the throes of despair or pain... or grief or brokenheartedness, but in those attempts, we lean in too much or meet someone who simply is not ready to be met in their dark moments.

We have this predicament to which we present a set of solutions, but explosively our hopes crash to the floor. Our interpretation failed actuality. Our small understanding squelched the magnitude of omniscience.  Sometimes we get in the way of ourselves. Sometimes we get in the way of others. And sometimes comfort gets in the way of it all.

If we all reflected upon our own vices, we might notice why hardships or struggles remain present in our life. One possibility - staying in destruction seems so much easier than chiseling our way to freedom. Staying in the shadows is absolutely more appealing than admitting we are flawed. Generational strongholds or those that we brought upon ourselves, they bind us. And maybe we can even see them for what they are; yet, somehow we still feel powerless in breaking free, even if freedom would also be for the sake of those who follow. It's so much easier to retreat into those strongholds. It's so much easier to remain bound in the guilt and shame than to find a way. That's what Satan would have us to believe anyway.

But there is hope for redemption. Thankfully that hope isn't in us finding the way. Jesus already did that because HE IS THE WAY. Our Lord so graciously paved the way so we could step out of those shackles and embrace the fact that we are sinners, but in Him, we can be made whole again. That fear of stepping out into the new, it doesn't have to be alone. Sometimes our shadows are far-reaching into our soul. Sometimes the truth entangles memories we would rather leave in the cobwebs of our minds. However, should we desire healing, all must come to light and with that freedom will follow. Maybe in an instant. Maybe in week. Maybe it will take longer. But holding tight to the only One who saves and redeems will bring you rest. Take heart, dear ones, for He has overcome all obstacles because He has overcome the world.



Dark as day
Blue as night
The lies that fill my mind.
I'm reaching our for help
Comfort pulls me back
How can I be so blind?
Here I am standing
In the corner I remain
Locked in by my secrets
Sealed by my shame
Lord I need you now
Like I did back then
Prideful innocence
Won't make me whole again
Reveal a path
of more of you
and less of me.

Family of FIVE!

I apologize for the delay in providing an update after the last post regarding our expanding family. It's been a tough few weeks riddled with sickness and playing catch-up, it seems. It's rough seeing your babies sick... really, really difficult. EC had strep and a respiratory infection, D had a respiratory infection and something else we still have yet to figure out and dear hubby had a case of allergies meets respiratory issues meets strep-like symptoms. But praises now to getting healthy again!!! It's amazing how a week of illness can bring you back to your knees realizing how much we take for granted!!

Back to that Family of Five business! :)

This truly involves some going back and reliving some emotions and thoughts from this past year. It might be more information than some would like to read, but I would like to write it out for documentation purposes anyway for our family.

A LONG time ago (many, many years ago and pre-marriage) I truly felt the calling to be a mommy. I knew it was a lot of time and energy, but I was in for some... we will call it 'enlightening'... as this calling came to realization. But anyway, back before dear hubby and I even started dating, I thought I wanted 6 children. Yes, you read that correctly: S-I-X! So, it only seemed natural to ask my now husband on our FIRST date if he wanted kids (we laugh about that conversation to this day). I basically told him if he did not foresee children in his future, then we did not need to waste each others' time. I wasn't trying to be hateful or anything, but I knew what my heart had been longing for and wanted to respect his time and future aspirations as well. He conveyed that he, too, saw a family in his future.

FAST FORWARD to our pregnancy with EC, delivery and our first year with our Sweet Pea Pumpkin (aka: EC). It was around this time I rethought that number 6. The amount of resources children need, desire and deserve is enormous. Physical, emotional, financial, etc. needs are crucial to child rearing and my heart felt a heavy burden to make sure we stayed within God's will and our abilities to provide for any child God gifted into our life, our care. Six dwindled a little to four. Still a large family. Still a huge responsibility... to each child!

FAST FORWARD to our pregnancy, delivery and first year with D. While we have yet to make that first birthday (which I am not rushing as he is growing up incredibly fast as it is), it is safe to say, the last year and a half has been tumultuous, heart wrenching, blessed and miraculous! I remember our 12 week prenatal appointment with D very clearly. October 3, 2013. My heart broke in so many ways that day. To had the realization that no one is promised a healthy pregnancy and that any person's sweet baby could possibly have health issues a parent can do absolutely NOTHING about... there are no words to adequately convey what happened within me that day. I was humbled. I was broken. I was helpless. Yet, I was covered by the love of God. I hurt deeply but my baby was God's child. The emotions ran raw during my whole pregnancy with D. I watched on the screens at each appointment as his little body went from questionable to bad to worse to saying thank you prayers as God wiped away each of those issues later in the gestation period. Yes, our little man only has one kidney, but it's a mega, rockstar kind of kidney. ;)

Then there was the feeding and swallowing issues. That first month after birth, D had major choking and vomiting episodes. Now we know it was due to aspirations, but it was traumatizing. But even more traumatizing and embedded in my visual catalog is the first NG tube being placed in my 1 month old's nostril that would go down his throat and into his stomach. I still feel badly that his Grams had to witness it as well, but I am so grateful she was there. God knew I needed support. He knew my heart would seemingly break all over again on that day.

Four months we dealt with an NG tube, home therapy, outpatient therapy, supply deliveries, tube feedings that required us to 'check placement' of the tube to make sure we were NOT about to pump fluids into his lungs, to clean bags instead of bottles every feed, to push around an IV pole, to constantly have to be mindful to NOT accidentally hold D the wrong way so we would not pull out the NG tube, to have to 'place' tubes yourself into YOUR screaming, thrashing child, continued therapy even after the tube to this day, etc. Now please hear me out on this. I do not mention all of this to feel sorry for us. I do not mention it to make light or to compare. I know that even though we experienced all of this (and still are walking through this journey of feeding and swallowing issues), we have so much to be grateful for. God has done some amazing things in D's body and in/through his little life. God is holding us through the journey and to know that, I feel very blessed. There are so many others that deal with this for many more months and even years upon years of tube feedings and everything else listed above. We are managing and working through things, but I mention all of this to say that because of all of this my heart shifted when it came to how many children I thought we would have. I still desired a large family, but after going though all of this and realizing NOTHING is a given when it comes to pregnancy and the health of your child, I was uncertain as to whether I could adequately provide for another child... especially if we were to face similar battles again. I questioned and really thought I would be unable to emotionally handle it. As some would put it... 'I thought we were 'done.''

Well, God surprised us with a huge blessing, but the way in which things fell into place definitely point to His divine and supreme plan. Before the swallow study in September, my heart was fragile. Dear hubby was away during the week with a new job. And though I had his or my mom there to help (for which I will always be grateful for their sacrificies for our little family during this time), I felt weak. My spirit felt extremely burdened. I truly felt the upcoming swallow study later that month would not show much improvement so I was bracing myself. Then came the swallow study. I distinctly remember being in the room cheering him on as they took image after image of him swallowing down various thickness levels of fluid. Praise be to our Lord! Our sweet baby was alleviated from having an NG tube on that September day. It was a glorious day... but it took a long time to sink in! D was tube free for the first time in over four months!!!!! I know that does not seem like a long time, but to a mama's heart it felt like forever. And to be perfectly honest... I was nervous when they sent us home without the tube. I was nervous to feed my baby with a bottle. I had not had that sweet bonding time with him in so long and all I could think about was his safety. Would he be ok? It was such a weird feeling. I remember feeling almost numb when we left. A weird sentiment, but it seemed surreal. I also remember sitting behind the wheel praying to God asking how we could possibly bring Him the glory He deserved for tenderly caring for and carrying our son... our family.

Obviously my heart was soaring from the swallow study results. My spirit lifted to new heights. It was amazing!! The VERY NEXT DAY I found out we were expecting baby #3. God knew I needed that extra day so I could really take in and see the blessings in His wonderful plan. He knew my heart needed that time to embrace what He was GIVING us. I will be completely honest. It took my emotions a while to catch up with the idea of what transitions were in store for our family. I was always excited but I still was on the emotional rollercoaster that started almost a year earlier on October 3, 2013. Our emotions did catch up and are elated to say we will soon be a family of five... F-I-V-E!!!! Our family definitely is richly blessed. May God be praised for this wonderful journey and my He receive the glory!

Some of you have asked how far along we are in the pregnancy. Last week we reached the halfway mark of 20 weeks. We are seeing a specialist due to all the things that came up with D, but so far things are looking good!! When they did the anatomy scan, my first questions was... 'How many kidneys does the baby have?' The tech, knowing our history, gave me a grin and said TWO. Music to a this mama's ears! Thank all of you for coming along with us on our journey. It has been such a blessing to have the love and support of so many! More updates to come, but until then... much love and big hugs!!!!!

From our family to yours...

Merry Christmas!!!

This is not our entire Christmas card, but it speaks to our exciting news! More to come about this...

Oh, and if you did not receive a Christmas card from us and you typically do, it is probably lost somewhere in the USPS system. Let me know in the comments or send me an email and I will gladly send another one.

Love to all and may all of you have a beautifully blessed holiday season!!

She cracks us up...

...and we have our hands FULL!!!

Oh, EC! Our sweet, loving, sassy, intelligent EC! Those of you who know her already know we will be on our toes until this girl is 30! Ok, so maybe not that long, but wow! I love her mind!!! It is a blessing to see little minds grow. It never ceases to amaze me with how absorbent the mind of a toddler really is. And EC is no exception. She remembers everything, but then she also puts it in her own little world and the things that come out are...

hilarious: at bedtime she usually has a preference as to who will read stories, sing songs and say prayers with her before bed. The other night Daddy offered, but she obviously had her sights set on spending that time with Mommy. Her way of letting us know... "Mommy lay with me. Daddy go wash dishes."Another frequent way she tries to redirect Mommy and/or Daddy pertains to when she  likes to have the room all to herself (who knows why, but I am guessing it usually means she is up to something or looking for a place to fill her diaper). What makes it HILARIOUS is the way she puts the phrase, "you wanna go talk Mommy?" or "you wanna go talk Daddy?" into a question. No thank you, ma'am. I would rather sit right here and see what mass destruction is about to hit our home!

funny, but shouldn't be funny: at naptime she likes to distract and attempt redirection on me as if I had no idea what she was doing. Recently I was cleaning up after lunch and said, "EC it's time to go take a nap." Her response of "I don't think so ma'am" caught me off guard. While extremely inappropriate, I had to make an exit so I could go laugh. Another similar phrase she pulled out of her thinking cap was "not a chance." Really? Where in the world did she hear that? No idea, but it has officially landed in the catalog of EC trying to pull one over us thinking she can be cute, funny and get her way. Ummmmm. NOT!!!

frustrating: "that's not fair" is a phrase I have heard numerous times recently. Again, not sure where it surfaced for her to latch on to it so tightly, but she is definitely trying that one out for size. And given the tone of voice that typically embodies the phrase, I would say it's 'size' is about the same size as her timeout spot. :)

just plain 'ole cute: "how about.... that one" comes out ALL THE TIME! What really makes it adorable are the inflections and expressions. "go to store. get groceries and get pood (food)" pretty much comes out every single time I take her out with me but leave the boys at home. "take Bubby (D's nickname at home) wit us" and "go Bubby's apoinmet (appointment)" are both phrases that I hear daily. She treasures her brother and is SUPER protective of him... except if it interferes with her playtime, ha!

And, oh, this barely scratches the surface. That girl is full of EC'isms! We are in for a wild, funny and trying ride! It's going to be a blast to look back at these years and remember how she kept our days interesting. Our sweet pea, pumpkin... we love her something fierce!!!

Hopeful despite some discouraging news

I have waited a few days to post this as it took me a few days to not become completely overwhelmed with emotion when thinking about it. Call it pregnancy hormones. Call it emotional exhaustion. Call it a mama's heart sinking a little in the wake of news less than positive regarding her baby. Call it whatever you will, but discouraging news is hard when it pertains to your kids. IT JUST IS! So, what am I referring to exactly?

After an encouraging visit at the ENT doctor, D's therapist thought it safe to move forward with trialing a faster flow nipple. This would put him on a level 2 nipple that is typically used for 3 to 6 months of age infants. He is over 7 months, thus we would be much closer to where we needed to be. The trial would allow the therapist to see if D was still able to pace himself adequately when flow increased. This would also speak to how his coordination has or has not improved overall. If things worked well with the trial, we would resume feedings with a level 1 nipple, but we would begin to thin the liquids he ingested. Once we would were able to have D swallow thin liquids (meaning water consistency, no thickening agents), we would proceed to a faster flow nipple.

Well, as you may have guessed already, the trial did not go smoothly. While D never showed signs of aspiration (which is a praise), he was not able to manage the liquids in his mouth safely AND his coordination, for lack of a better phrase, "went out the window" relative to his ability when on a slower flow nipple. Obviously that was hard to hear... very hard to hear.

What exactly does this mean? For now it means we do more of the same. We continue to monitor his pacing (amount of sucks to every breath and swallow). We continue to work on "pharyngeal awareness" (D's ability to manipulate what's in his mouth due to sensories being properly triggered), and we work on his overall strength in all areas affected by swallowing - starting from entering the mouth at his lips down to muscles in his torso.

So, while I was discouraged, I have to also remember how far we have come... and that is encouraging! Patience has not always been a strong suit (thank you, Honey, for that, hahaha), but I cannot help but be anything but grateful for how far God has brought us. I keep a picture of our little man on my screen saver of my phone of days when he had an NG tube. It's humbling to think of the things the Lord has done in this sweet little boy's body. My heart soars with gratitude and dances to the tune of praises. It's easy to get lost in how normal things look, but at this point, more of his little life has been spent with an NG tube than without it. And I elate in those tube free days. May God receive the glory for them. May any discouragement I have due to a poor trial run be overwhelmed with remembering His goodness and faithfulness.

ENT Visit

Today our little man saw an ENT specialist who specializes in pediatrics. I love the doctor, which is such a huge blessing. He offered a great deal of his time to discuss all little man has been through thus far so we could come up with some answers as to why D still struggles with the congestion. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any really clear cut answer. That was not exactly what I hoped to hear, but honestly, thinking about it now, this could very much be a blessing. My nerves were somewhat on edge today as I feared they would want to revisit an NG tube. Don't get me wrong, we absolutely want what's best AND safe for D, but life with an NG tube is not ideal. We worked so hard to achieve the milestones in his feeding and swallowing therapy, so naturally we truly don't want to go backwards. And PRAISE THE LORD, an NG tube was never mentioned other than discussing D's past. The doctor seemed very surprised by the fact that little man had never experienced any respiratory illnesses, such as pneumonia, from all the aspirating in his early days. And quite frankly, we are so extremely fortunate and can only attribute that to God's hands and protection covering our sweet baby. This lack of illness helped rule out some concerns with the ENT doctor, so another huge blessing! So, all in all, the doctor did not convey too much concern regarding the congestion. He does want to see D back in a couple of months. If all is not clearing up by then, as far as D's reflux and his feeding/swallowing issues are concerned, then we may need to move forward with some invasive testing. But, for now... we are clinging to the blessings and praising God for all the progress our little man has made. Thank you for your prayers. We will continue to update! Love to all!!!

Another update!

I thought it time to rejoin the world of blogging. It's been far too long and maybe this will be a better means to provide updates to those of you who would like to read what is going on with our family. As we have conveyed in the past, we are extremely grateful and humbled by the love, encouragement and prayer support received over the last year. It truly has been an emotionally exhausting time, but your prayers undoubtedly made a difference!

Many of you know, since the last update we moved! We loved the Rockwall area and miss it tremendously, but now we are trying to settle into a new place and make it a home. It's been difficult in some ways as D's therapy schedule is quite demanding, and of course having little ones doesn't lend to productivity during their waking hours. But, you know, that is ok. I will ALWAYS have a to-do-list a mile long (that's just how I operate), but my 'littles' are only little once. I cannot deny my OCD inclinations surface at times and I wonder how in the world such chaos exists in our house, but diaper duty soon calls, and their schedules become the focus again. Being a mommy is simply the hardest, yet the most rewarding thing! I know. So cliche. Yet, so true!

As for the update on D. His physical and cognitive development seem to be on target, which has always been a concern due to not knowing everything that caused the issues in utero. However, we continue to see God's goodness and faithfulness. D's ongoing progression truly speaks to how our Heavenly Father holds, loves and nurtures. As for feeding and swallowing struggles, our 'little man' currently sees a therapist four days a week where we work on pacing (the ratio of how many sucks on a bottle to a swallow and a breath), muscle strength in his cheeks, neck, and upper torso. To be honest, when we moved and started therapy here, I was quite reticent with their approach. D did NOT care for it! I, too, held reservations about it's effectiveness. However, we are a month into therapy and D's ability to pace and swallow correctly does seem to be improving. Praise the Lord for that!!! He gradually warmed up to the therapists as well, which was a blessing. A screaming baby for therapy really is not all that productive, as you may imagine. Please continue to pray for progression though. We cling to these good things, absolutely, but we have many hurdles still in front of us. D needs to learn how to take liquids at a faster rate as we are still on a slow flow nipple. But equally important, he needs to be able to drink thin liquids. At this point, we have not been able to introduce water. If things do not progress soon, we will have to thicken water so he can drink it. Obviously this would be far from ideal. Prayers appreciated!!

Another prayer request... D has an appointment with an ENT doctor this week. He continues to sound 'congested' when taking a bottle. We, along with his therapists and his new pedi, are somewhat disconcerted by this. The congestion should have dissipated after the NG tube removal, yet this remains the same. We hope to find some answers with the appointment. Please pray for his appointment to go smoothly and for us to have something more tangible to work with as to why the congestion continues to be an issue.

As for our little EC... growing, changing, growing, changing and repeat! Watching her this year has been incredible. To see her adjust to a completely new paradigm (new sibling, new role in the family, no longer the only child/no longer a baby, new place to live, new type of bed, etc.) has been enduring, frustrating at times, a huge blessing though and a time filled with joy. EC rarely goes to bed without giving 'baby brodder' a kiss and a hug these days. That took time, folks... lots of time! It is the sweetest thing ever! Unfortunately with all of baby brother's issues since he was born, she had to grow up a little faster in the last few months than this mama cares to see, but don't get me wrong, she still has her very much 2 moments, if you know what I mean. :) I will take them though. This is a precious stage. The way her mind works amazes me!! I am sure most parents think that (and I hope they do), because truly to see a child develop and see how amazing God's creation of human life is... to watch that take shape and mature before you eyes... that is a gift. A truly beautiful gift!

I think that pretty much covers most things for now. Thank you for loving our family enough to pray. Thank you for loving our family enough to care about the updates. Thank you for loving! We love you!

With utmost gratitude and love,
N&K