Simplicity of Straying

Many times it's easy to put thoughts in complete sentences, but other times, a lyrical format seems more fitting. The below is one of the latter. While simple in structure and word, the meaning goes more deeply to a soul... my soul. It's a place of struggle on a figurative see-saw: live a life of faith vs live a life of man. We cannot have both, but yet many of us fight to dabble in that which we do not relinquish hold. We know the graciousness of our Father and we sense His presence. We know the sacrificial and abundant love and we yearn to know Him more fully... BUT, humanity pulls on us as control, pride, greed, the unknown, or whatever the albatross may be keeps us glancing over our shoulders. This came from me catching myself in one of those backward glimpses, dancing around temptations to do things on my own and in my own way. It's not fancy, but rather it states the simplicity of how easily we are all subject to straying when we do not daily align ourselves with His good and perfect will...

What is it I see?

These thoughts flutter like wild.

Like the rapids in the mountains,

Or the fires on a countryside.

Is it beauty or chaos?

What frame of mind do I possess?

Thank the Lord for deliverance?

Or pray to get out of the mess?

Where do I stand?

Where do I run?

When the hope seems to call out,

Is it a shadow or the Sun?

How did I get here?

Confusion's thick as smog.

Where is clarity,

When I've known You so long?

Where do I stand, Lord?

Where do I run?

I thought I would skip this.

Here? Never, not me.

I worked to avoid it.

But it wasn't on my knees.

Martha, not Mary...

Describes me perfectly.

So tied up in details,

And I wonder why I can't see?

Where do I stand?

Where do I run?

When the hope seems to call out,

Is it a shadow or the Sun?

How did I get here?

Confusion's thick as smog.

Where is clarity,

When I've known You so long?

Where do I stand, Lord?

Where do I run?

Lost in the concrete,

I forgot what I do not see.

Pass on day by day.

Perfection is the key.

Words of a prophet,

Actions show fall of man.

To get back to You,

I must kneel, not stand.

Where do I stand, Lord?

Where do I run?

How can it be

I've lost sight of the Son?

Your Word makes a promise.

Help me believe.

Bring me back, Lord.
I'm here on my knees.

Here I am, Lord.

Take me back, I plea.

It's all for you, Lord.

For you, I stand.

Secrecy - a hound of humanity

Not long ago, I found myself contemplating the difference between "privacy" and "secrecy." Two terms that many deem synonymous yet I beg to differ. Of course if drawn out in conversation, people will make a distinction, but in general lingo... not so much. Many might say this is not a big deal, but again, I would differ. Minimized "secrecy" superficially maximizes the foothold for the one who works in secrecy. With this being said, I do not think any person should "air dirty laundry" for public display or knowledge. However, I do firmly believe there is a need for individual realness. As images of God, we are to love, to care, to be vulnerable...

We are called to come along those struggling and empathize.

We are called to bear our burdens so others may join with a righteous power in prayer.

We are called to acknowledge our weaknesses so our new nature may overcome that which the old self could not "put to death."

We are called to live openly in community.

So, how is this possible if under layers of self presentation lies multiple layers of secrets? Privacy is being guarded and discerning about who knows what and to what extent. Secrecy is the concealing of that which needs to be hidden. Hidden? Really? Where is the transparency in that?? Then I would ask myself, if no one knows about the "secret," is it something I am taking to God? If not, there is a problem.

Usually confined in shadows, secrets manifest into more than a concept of struggle; again, they become a foothold for satan. There is no Light to cast out the darkness, thus the maligned nature broods. Secrets in our lives mimic lies, attacking our conscience and until we repent and let it all down, something in us - call it carnal paranoia - begins the perpetual cycle of "saving face." Oddly and justly enough, this very path only widens the chasm we must cross to get back to fruitful living, a self-made valley of despair dug one secret and one lie at a time.

Raw & Broken

In the midst of sensing the depth of this valley, I also feel a presence not my own leading to questions. How can it be? How did it come to this? When did I "jump ship" or more accurately described, go scuba diving without any gear? When did isolation and concern of this tiny "my world" bubble become the primary source of concern? Spiritual fervor, whatever happened to such a notion? And then, there it is.

Coming from a place of brokenness and sheer disbelief, I realize this 'state of being' is not all that foreign to my life, but rather the 'state of perspective' given by the Holy Spirit is changing my understanding of "me." It's giving me a new, more precise, focus within my journey. It's a vision of how my own vices have trembled my core being. It shows that my identity in Christ which I supposedly clung to daily has been the very one I forsake. It's a vision of how worldliness has blocked the ultimate view. It's a vision of shackles and pain to which my pride clings for the fear my facade may be revealed. I'm seeing in a different light and while the view is still unclear, the blinders have been pushed aside. Now I must choose... pull those blinders back up to protect the shame, the guilt, the pride or tear them down and move in a direction which requires complete trust in the true Comforter and Healer. Sounds simple enough, but anyone who has been here knows the turmoil, the warfare. Protecting what is habitual comes so naturally. Persevering for that which can be so abstract, it goes against our nature... the nature I desperately long to shed.

My heart is heavy. It hurts. What am I doing for the glorification of Christ? How am I serving in an effort to show His love? What do I sacrificially give in an effort to be more like Christ? Why timidity? Where is my faith? "Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever." (Romans 13:8) This I KNOW to be true but do I LIVE it to be true? When my answer comes out as... "it depends on the day," I am not dying to self. I have not shed the old nature. My heart is heavy. It hurts.

I recently was blessed tremendously by a song from Addison Road called "What Do I Know of Holy." It speaks so clearly into my thoughts, my emotions. I weep to know my idea of "Holy" has been crammed into a finite definition that I can grasp. I weep to know my reliance on a God so gracious and merciful has been limited by my short patience. And I weep to know my perseverance and pursuit of Christ equates to mere moments in a day (and embarrassingly enough - I might even be able to say weeks during the rough times). How gut wrenching to realize the very One I say I adore, I push away to keep from facing the very things I despise. What is it about guilt and shame? The choke chain of human effort. I cannot do this alone, I know. So very humiliating one might say, including the carnal me, but I would rather be able to say... so very humbling.

"I think I made you too small. I never feared you at all, no. If you touched my face, would I know you? Looked into my eyes, could I behold you?"

These lyrics stir the sense of my own betrayal, my own shortsightedness. Judas, anyone? When have I released myself, my life, to the control of God? When have I believed that I am who HE says I am? Yes, my "God box" is entirely too small. Compartmentalized in any degree is too small. This would also indicate my lack of fear of the Lord. I do not think God is all fire and fury, but I do believe Him to be just. And then to think of the very hands that took the nails on the cross for my sins... those very hands touching my face? To envision Christ on the cross and me kneeling before Him as he made that exchange... His spotlessness for my dripping stains... this, dear friends, is an image that breaks my willfulness. And to go even further and think of His piercing eyes looking into mine. To catch a glimpse of such a beautiful soul, one so selfless and obedient to God. What treasure can the world provide... what eternal treasure, I should say... that even compares? Absolutely nothing. I long to feel His touch upon my face and gaze upon His splendor. Why does my life not reflect these desires? I have no valid excuse... absolutely nothing.

"What do I know of you who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean? Are you fire or are you fury? Are you sacred? Are you beautiful? What I know... what do I know of holy?"

My pursuit, my desires - one in the same they ought to be. First... humility.